Fuck you and the broad you rode in with.  Why don’t you go fuck that whinyass nazi pansy bitch of yours before I figure out howta cause you all some grievous gaddamn harm?

If I didn’t want to marry her. I wouldn’t have bought her a ring.  Or let her tell an entire industry Christmas party that we were engaged.  Why do people keep asking me this?  Alice is a very…special girl and she wants this.  It was my ring for her.  It’s…the right thing to do.

I can’t tell him what to do.  It depends on when he takes his lunch.  If I’m not there, he can’t stare or talk to me, can he?

I remember being king, sometimes.  And I get irrationally angry when Leon watches westerns, now.  I also remember reading maybe a hundred different Neil Gaiman stories with similar plots, so I don’t know what I’m convinced of.  Maybe I just had some bad cheese in Wisconsin and tripped out in a tourist attraction.  Fox trips out on the lamest things.  Maybe that was contagious.

I don’t have that kind of authority (yet).  Getting myself killed for a guy who looks like that stupid angel from Supernatural does not sound like something I want to do.

…Are you really that fuckin’ crazy?  I tell you what, how ‘bout you shut your whore mouth so I don’t gotta come over there and do it for you.  You wanna ask those kindsa questions, that’s the answer you’re gonna get.  My bat to your teeth.  Keep pushin’, I dare ya.

(Author’s note: For the record, very good.) 

What, are you lookin’ for an apology?  I’m just callin’ it like I’m seein’ it.

I put mind control drugs in my food.  That’s the only way I can get a boy to like me.

Just kidding.  Chris is just dumb.  I don’t know what Brian’s excuse is.

Chris has a real serious business streak that I’m not sure the rest of us did anything to earn the privilege of tolerating.  I mean, he’s a gourmet chef with a television show on the Sci-Fi network, dating a dude and a chick (who is techincally his weirdo ex-boss) at the same time.  His chick friend - yours truly - is his kid brother’s boss’s boyfriend’s best friend’s little sister, and that’s just coincidence.  His whole life is hilarious and crazy and he spends most of the time, going around, doing that Grumpy Cake Face, like his sister calls it.

Brian likes math and seems to be more into Christopher than me.  I begrudge him neither things, but I have yet to find other flaws.

I think the real question we should be asking is why does he want to keep telling people that?  It’s even less of a bragging right than it is the full truth.  It is true, I did…take him out a few times.  He…seemed like he needed it and he was a nice enough kid, all…voicemail messages aside.  I’m sure he’s still a good kid, but let him know that the only person who’s really going to care much is Roger.  Who, coincidentally, also likes to go around telling everyone that Sofian and I went out.

Stop calling the house at night.  Berlinetta tried to answer the phone, once, and I don’t want to give Leon cause for concern.  For a myriad of reasons, not the least of which being my sex life.

I’m taking an early lunch tomorrow.  Your order will probably be ready by the time you get there.  You won’t have to pay for it.

That fuckin’ kid’s got a gaddamn nazi fetish and you’re gonna sit there and act like you don’t know how much I hate the sonuffabitch?  Tell him to come ask me to my face how much and I’ll give all’a you a demonstration.  

…This is one’a those, whatta you girls call it.  Trolling.  Right?  Look, I know I’m right so how ‘bout you just save it and we both call ourselves lucky I didnt’ take the bait.

Dude, I’m gonna be the worst fucking dad, ever.  The only evidence that suggests otherwise is that, one time, I made a basket of candy for a kid that Sofi got us babysitting and that was when I hated babies.  The only real point in my favor is that I got edible grass ‘cause I was afraid Seb would choke on something else and, yeah, like I really need to be accused of killing Sofi’s best friend’s kid.

I don’t even know, dude.  Would you give me your kid?  I wouldn’t give me my kid and I don’t even got one yet.  I want to like…give it weird nicknames and show it cool comics and teach it to inappropriately grope my friends, but I’m probably more cut out for uncle-ing than I am dad-ing.  Like I do with Vin.  That kid, I can take care of, so long as Eddie is actually taking care of him and I’m just around in the general area.  I can take care of a puppy and I guess, since Sofi’s still kicking, a kitten, too, but I feel like a real live kid is not gonna be my thing.

But I feel like I don’t really got much of a choice here, do I?  So I’ma do it.  And I’ma do it for Sofi, because he’s real excited and I’ma do it so this kid doesn’t have one shitty parent who can’t do anything for it.  My dad was fucking cool so I’m gonna try to be like him and just…be cool.  Maybe my mom’ll have some pointers.  I don’t know, man.  Wish me fucking luck.